Like two months ago, I wrote a running diary of a journey that I made to Knoxville. I briefly made reference to Million Dollar Man, who approached us bearing $1 million bills, before condemning us to a bitter eternity in Hell. It’s true. It’s all here.
At Market Square, I am handed a $1 million bill. That’s right, 1,000,000. While certainly an interesting thing to carry around in the wallet, I would never in my life consider it a solid ice-breaker, ever. Somehow, I went from reading the tiny print on this ridiculous currency (Is it real?! Could it be?! I confess I thought this for maybe 1.2 seconds.), which I believe had something to do with the finer points about gettin’ saved or something, to hearing this unassuming, uber-rich man talk.
Honestly, I admit, I had a pretty terrible attitude about the whole thing right off the bat. He wasn’t even two sentences into his pitch and I had already made at least a dozen Dinner’s on me, guys! jokes. He asked us all if we were believers, and we told him that yes, yes, we were. Generally, I would imagine, if I were the Million Dollar Man, I would smile kindly and move along if I got this kind of answer. He was also a believer, right? Again, if I’m Million Dollar Man I’m chasing down the next group of broke college student waiting for a table at Soccer Taco to bless them with millions, but not this guy.
He continued with the question, “Have you ever lied? Any of you?”
Yes, we said.
“About how many, you think? Not like white lies, but actual, real lies?”
A hundred, someone said. 300, another. Confused, and singled out to answer, “1,000,” is what I went with. “Yep, 1,000,” only partly sarcastically, because amazingly I think that’s probably true.
“How many times would you say you’ve taken the Lord’s name in vain?” Million Dollar Baby continued. I swear I’ve seen this in a really bad Kirk Cameron documentary. (As it turns out, I have.)
Macy genuinely replied, “Ya know, I don’t think I ever have. Really.” Which I think is a legitimate statement; some people grow up not saying Oh my god! What followed, however, was not a legitimate statement.
Million Dollar Britches said, “Well have you ever said Oh my gosh? What about OMG?”
Really? Really?!
I looked around in stunned silence as Macy basically accepted her eternal damnation based on the usage of some teenage text messaging lingo. I wondered very strongly why no one else had faked a phone call–I did, soon–or straight up walked away or at least offered a counter argument that maybe, just maybe, pronouncing the letters ‘oh em gee’ was not blasphemous.
After another inquiry about our history as thieves (This did provoke some thought. Have I ever stolen anything? Probably.), we were asked if we had ever committed adultery. Awkward! This was the million dollar question (wink!). As we all looked nervously around, I tried to make up some raunchy story on the spot, you know, just to mess with him, when he mercifully changed the question. He quoted to us Jesus’ definition of adultery, about how if we look with lust then we’ve committed adultery in our hearts. “What about it? Have you ever looked with lust?”
I admit, this was the end for me. I had humored his other questions, which he concluded by saying, “Now by your own admission, I’m not putting words in your mouths, you have said that you are all liars, thieves, blasphemers…” I was not about to take this. I realize what he was doing, I guess. I’ve struggled with lust my whole life, and when I am hurting, that is often the first place I look to medicate. It’s lead to dark, dark periods of my life. I am in relationship with countless other guys and girls, best friends, new acquaintances, my own family, who brave this battle, and this guy wants me to raise my hand if I’ve ever lusted before?
I cut off his final question. “So, knowing all of this, where will you go when–”
“Heaven!” I shouted, as I excused myself from the conversation. Despite all accusation, I know that I am loved, and that what Jesus says and thinks about me is true.
Clearly this story did not fit in so well with the rest of my Knoxville diary, but I found it both hilarious and heart-breaking, and thus necessary to share.
